a year ago

So a year ago I thought I'd blog... yeah right! But I promise to try harder this year! Joy to the world... a new year has come!

April's Fool

It's already April. This year is speeding by and I am standing still.

When my father was the pastor at the Melbourne Church of God in Melbourne, FL he had these two sisters share their testimony. They were missionaries. They were old, lol. They were single, never been married. I have always laughed at them. I shouldn't say at them, it's more like... ok i laughed at them. The biggest thing that made me laugh was their view on time. I was only 15 or 16 and had zero concept on how fast time went.
They would say things like "just the other day, when Pearl Harbor was bombed..."or "just the other day when Vietnam started/ended." The things they would refer to were mostly from before I was born, and to me that was sooooo funny.
I'm not laughing anymore. I recently joined facebook and saw pictures of me and my friends in junior high and high school. WOW! It made me say, "that seems like just the other day!" Where does the time go?
It seems like just the other day that the twin towers were hit. It seems like just the other day that I moved to Jacksonville. It seems like just the other day that I was happy.
Were does the time go?

Peace & Love

"Do you believe in life after love?" Cher

So, here I am.... It's been almost two years since my love loss...


It's strange how life can change so fast while moving so slow and then you blink and it feels like nothings happened but it's been two years. I never thought I'd talk about my love loss, out loud anyway. How did I get there? How do I go from here? I still don't know...


Peace & Love

"Music makes the people come together..." -Madonna

A few weekends ago my sister and I went up to Atlanta. While there I auditioned for one of those dumb reality shows. You know the ones where you make fun of every person that thinks they can sing/dance/whatever. Yep, I sucked it up and put myself out there. And although I'm not what they're Looking for (which is code for "YOU SUCK" lol) I was proud of myself. I put myself out there. I like to pretend that I don't care what people think. It's easy to say. It's generally not true though. I do care. And as it turns out, it's okay to care what people think. I didn't need that producer to validate me. I actually don't care what those people thought of me. I do care, however what my family, friends and my God think about me. Because I care for them and they care for me, I care what they think.

Who's view of you do you most care about? It's someone, even when you say it's no one.



Peace & Love

The Ugly Truth

There's a movie coming out called "The ugly truth.' I just watched the trailer for this movie. It looks like a cute little chick flick and I will probably go to the movies and see it.
But a couple of days ago I went with a girlfriend of mine to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". I made snide comments throughout the entire movie and although my girlfriend laughed, when the movie ended and the lights went up, there were only two dry eyes in the room and they were both on my face...
So, why did this movie do nothing for me and everything for others? Well, beside the fact we are all human (which is always my first reason for everything) and we experience the same things differently, my friends had another reason. I'm jaded. I say this word constantly in reference to myself, but what does it really mean? Dulled. Worn out. Wearied. Lacking enthusiasm. Exhausted. Cynically insensitive. Made callous by experience. Yes, yes I am.
So, this is my ugly truth, I want to believe in love. What girl doesn't? I want to believe that some guy will make me forget myself and fall so deeply in love and trust that I surrender to him and to love. I want to believe.
I beleive. I beleive. It's silly, but I believe...

and in an instant it was gone...(Oakland's sorrow)

(this is taken from my blog on www.myspace.com/anitastout)

And in an instant it was gone... The father of this little child. The son of a mother. The peace in the Oakland streets. The coming together of America's black and white. The thought that racism was leaving us. The belief that the police are here to protect and to serve. The post racial America from Obama's win. The life of another man...

And in an instant it was gone... The father of this little child. The husband of a wife. The career he wanted to make. The good he had ever done before this day when he took the life of another man...

Pray for both families as they have lost young men...

Peace & Love.

Daddy's Quote

"It's not what happens to you but what happens in you that matters."



What has happened to you? What was the one thing that impacted your life so deeply that it changed the vitals of who you are, the composition of your time here on earth, your life's dna? Think back to that time. I remember. It changed my view of the people around me. It Changed my view on God. It changed my view on me. I allowed something that happened to me to make fundamental changes in me.
I was just a young girl, less than 20 years of age. The people I looked up to, the people who helped shaped my belief in God, and honestly myself, had betrayed the very root of what I considered faith. How could they? Why would they? I became angry. I became sad. I became different. I allowed it to change who I was on the inside. I allowed it to take root into my soul. I allowed it... The truth is it changed my lifes course. What another did should not have shaken me. But, because I was a child I didn't understand that other people's decisions are not direct reflections on me. I carried the hurt around like baggage. I let it twist the way I viewed future relationships and even the way I spoke to God.
We often times let things get to us, get to our core and become part of us. We carry things with no merrit. We allow the actions of others to change our path. We allow others to change our life view. We allow others...
It was only recently that I asked God to forgive me for holding anger at people so tight. I also asked Him to forgive me for carrying it with me. It changed my life, again, but this time for the better and this time it truly mattered.
We can lose a lot of things, and in the grande skeem of life it won't really matter. We can lose posessions, we can lose money and we can lose people. It's how we relate those losses to our life that makes us who we are. Remember what's inportant and only allow those things to shape the essentials of you.
Peace & Love